It's constantly whispering in my ear... Ashley, you should be out there doing something. If I'm not just totally concentrating on my schoolwork, with my Mp3 player pumping music into my ears, it's there. That little feeling that I have so much potential, and it isn't being used. The feeling that, every day, I'm passing opportunities by. The world is huge, there's gotta be something I can do.
Minutes... Hours... Days... Weeks of my life. Slipping away, wasted. Not all of my time is wasted, no. But there's quite a bit that is, it seems.
I feel like God is really going to use me for something great. I don't know what it is, but I've felt that way for a couple years, though usually when I've just gotten back from church camp or Teen Con and have been spending days learning about Him. I resolve to go home and live what I've learned. To impact people.
But then I forget....
I live my life like I have been.
But this time is different. There's no spiritual high behind this (unless you want to count my suddenly trying to remember to have a daily quiet time). Church sermons help, but they aren't what fueled this. I don't know why I suddenly feel this way, but every day the feeling is there, sometimes stronger than the day before.
I feel almost hungry inside for action. Whatever God wants me to do. But I just really feel like I should be doing something. I'm sitting down, living my life, staying in my comfort zone. But I want more, though I don't know what.
I was thinking about my promise a few days ago.... I promised God that I would do whatever He asks me to do with my life. Honestly, for so long I never thought I would really do a whole lot or impact anybody for many years. It seemed like something adults do, not teenagers. But lately, I've realized that there's so much that I could be doing. The problem is that I don't know what, and it's eating at me.
(By the way, if this seems overly dramatic, it's because I already have enough trouble during the day explaining my thoughts because that's just how my head works, and now it's almost midnight. At night, whatever is in my head comes spilling out, usually not making much sense. When I stop and put my thoughts into English as they spill out, it usually results in something at least fairly dramatic. My head is an awesome thing, no? :P)